ratherbelocky | Voicemail

"York here. I'm probably busy getting my ass handed to me by adorable woodland creatures, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Over and out."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

grapeeater

i fucked up

[Context what context.]

From:

ratherbelocky

Is anyone dead?

From:

grapeeater

alive actually but i hurt mai again by trying not to hurt her

which i guess isn't new

From:

ratherbelocky

Okay. Deep breaths, and start at the beginning. How would you say you hurt her?

From:

grapeeater

i tried to tell her why i was afraid of getting close

but that just made her upset and said that maybe i didn't trust her

but that's the thing i trust her i don't trust me

From:

ratherbelocky

I assume you told her that. What don't you trust yourself to do, or not do? It could help me get some context, here.

From:

grapeeater

i hurt hurt

at home i mean

i kidnapped her and held her against her will and left her with someone who put something inside of her

then i left her with a mad scientist who cut her open to take it out while i tried to kill a friend. former friend. id on't know anymore because apparently he's alive and forgives me? and my brother's alive too.

should i feel relieved i didn't kill anyone or annoyed that i couldn't even manage that i don't even know

From:

ratherbelocky

Not gonna lie, those are all pretty terrible things you did there, Micchy. Even if it's good you didn't actually kill anyone.

On the other hand, if Mai chooses to forgive you, knowing you did all that? Not even knowing - she's the one who lived through it, she's the one who really knows what exactly you did to her - then that's her call. I think that's what she's getting at when she says you don't trust her. You don't trust her to make her own decisions about who she wants in her life, or trust that she can take care of herself.

From:

grapeeater

i know they are that's the point

but

but i want her to be safe
i always did that's why i did what i did

From:

ratherbelocky

I understand that. Believe me, I'm familiar with the feeling. On the other hand, I'm also familiar with what too much of that can do to a relationship. Making that decision for her? Not your call, man. She's no more a kid than you are.

Pulling back is saying that you're an asshole and you'll never change and she's better off without you. That's one way to keep her safe, sure. But it means you don't believe she knows what's best for her, that she's not strong enough to know her own mind.

Here's a crazy alternative: Believe in her, and work on changing that shit about yourself so she won't be unsafe around you.

From:

grapeeater

i'm trying

i'm trying to change but i can still feel the same kinds of patterns running through my head. i never claimed to be a good person. even if i didn't kill anyone i was willing to murder.i was willing to sacrifice ea lot of people just to keep her safe. three and a half billion people - better than the original plan, still too many.

i don't want to lose her. i don't want to hurt her. i'm

i'm afraid. what if i hurt her again? when the world starts crashing down how will i be sure that what i choose will be different this time? id on't know if i can be strong enough to change especially since i don't know how.

From:

ratherbelocky

Maybe think of it this way instead.

You're going to hurt her. Not because you're bad, not because you can't control yourself, but because that's how humans are. We hurt each other whether we mean to or not. The important thing is how we deal with that truth.

Trying to change the way you think is probably too hard. I mean, you could try, but God knows I never heard of anyone who made any headway with it. What you can do, though, is notice when you're thinking that way and think to yourself, okay, is that actually what I want to do?

You could even let her know that's what's going on with you, when it's happening. She's familiar enough with it, it seems, and she'll know how to protect herself.

And of course when you do hurt her, you apologize and learn from it.

From:

grapeeater

i

i guess i'll ahve to try.

From:

ratherbelocky

That's all anybody could ask.

For what it's worth, I haven't had these exact problems myself. But if I'd communicated better with the people who were important to me, and if they'd done the same instead of locking into their own heads, things could have gone a lot better.

From:

grapeeater

my whole life it's been

'it doesn't matter what you feel as long as things get done' 'feelings are useless, the only thing that matters are results'

so i don't really know how to even start talking about it. it's hard to explain to people not from my world. i hid so much from her, from the others, because i wanted to look like i was a normal person, not 'prince kureshima'.

so it's hard to stop hiding. to say what i feel. i feel like i don't have the words.

From:

ratherbelocky

If people were seriously calling you 'Prince Kureshima,' no wonder you're so screwed up now.

[AGENT NEW YORK: THE SOUL OF TACT.]

Hey. It'll be okay, all right, Micchy? No one's born knowing how to do this stuff, we're all learning it as we go. And the people who know you, they also know this about you. You're managing well enough with me, aren't you?

From:

grapeeater

not to my face. but i know it was a nickname that was floating around.

... yeah i guess. it's still hard.

From:

ratherbelocky

It is, dude. But I think you're up to it.

From:

grapeeater

i appreciate the vote of confidence at least

From:

ratherbelocky

Good, 'cause I got more where that came from.

Look. As far as I'm concerned, man, it's clear you're trying to do better. I'm not gonna tell you it's enough just to try; I also got taught most my life that results matter. But, hey. It's trying that gets results, you know? And Mai seems like a sweet, understanding kid.

From:

grapeeater

yeah me too

and she is. too nice for her own good a lot of the time. but she's

strong

i guess? in her own way. and i know that. she never really freaked out all that much. she didn't fight but she still kept standing.

it's just hard to not want to... protect someone like that. i can't sort out my feeling sabout her, even now. but i'm not good for her. not like that.

but i'm doing what i can to try to not... go off the deep end again.

From:

ratherbelocky

Hey, I'm not saying don't protect her. That's what caring about people's all about, sometimes, especially for fighters. I'm just saying...find ways to watch over her that let you believe in her, too. That let you believe in whatever it is she sees in you.

Easier said than done, I know.