ratherbelocky | Voicemail

I didn't have anywhere else to go. I didn't talk about it. I don't think anyone really knew what was going on.

I was already the nerd kid, I didn't want to get beat up for being the kid with no one who wanted him, too.

I sort of have to wonder if Elfangor ever saw what happened to me after he died, before he became nothing. If the Ellimist ever gave him a chance to see more of me. Or of the future.

I got through it. I got through everything. I lived. I did my duty. Even if I had to get through living with them for... what, eight years? Something like that. If it worked out in the end, does it matter?

Even if it was neglect... I ended up okay. Okay enough to do what I was supposed to do, because I'm sure me being there that night wasn't an accident. So I could get into the fight. So I could be in the right place at the right time.

I endured. I'm okay.

[Even if he's not sure that he's convinced of that.]

No. Whether you endured or not, Tobias, whether you functioned in the capacity assigned to you by fate or whatever you might believe in, those eight years definitely matter.

The most important facet of being human - the only facet that matters, to my mind - is how we treat each other. Not the results of said treatment, not whether or not they earned it, but just plain old how we act towards one another. Animals have their protective instincts, sure, and other intelligent beings in the galaxy do things their way, but what humans have and have always had is the rational capacity to choose to be good to one another. That's how we survive. That's what makes us who and what we are.

And since the people taking care of you failed to comprehend what even a fragment of a computer program understood - that basic human duty to give a damn fuck - then I'm not inclined to listen to you try to justify what they did to you.

I'm not blaming you for not getting out of there. I'm not telling you that you should have done anything differently, because I understand that you did what you could to survive, and I'm proud of you for that. For who you've turned out to be.

But I'm not going to go along and say that it's okay, nor will I turn a blind eye to those eight years just because they toughened you up for a war you never asked for. Do you understand that when you say things like that, that you did your duty and got through it, and does it matter...what really comes across is how heart-breakingly unhappy you've been, man?

[It takes a bit because he has to take some time to read that over again. 'I'm proud of you for that. For who you've turned out to be.']

[The tears in his eyes are just because he hasn't dusted the apartment lately, that's all.]

I don't know. I don't know if I understand. I just... I did what I had to. We all did what we had to. Whatever got us to that point, whatever we feel... it doesn't matter, right?

Because we won. Even if we had to sacrifice everything that mattered, we won. So it shouldn't matter how we feel. When you start fighting in a war, you stop mattering, right? As long as you win.

[That's... right, isn't it?]

[You know what? Fuck this, no. He's not doing this over text. He switches over to audio, because it is so important that the kid hears this. So important that he says it.]

Listen to me, kid.

[His voice is soft, but insistent. Iron.]

You never stop mattering. You matter, Tobias. War or no war, you matter. Okay?

[There's silence for a bit on Tobias' end. It'd be easy to pass it off as him not realizing it switched to audio.]

[But then there's just crying. Not little sniffles, but full-on waterworks, gasping for breath, sobbing that sounds like it physically hurts because it does.]

[And then it's muffled, like it's suddenly gone behind a thick pillow, because there's suddenly a bear and a bird next to him, letting him cry into them.]

[It goes on for a bit, the 'gear forgotten on the floor, before he manages to speak again.]

... I... I don't... I don't know. I don't know if it's okay. To... to matter, I mean. Outside of the war. I mean here I'm just... just the weird bird kid. But we're all weird. S... so I don't know if I... I matter...

Of course it's okay. Dude, you've mattered to me since I met you.

[This poor kid is fucking ripping him apart. He needs Carolina and North hugs the second they're all home together.]

Hey, do you want me to come over? Or do you want to come over here? I can make pasta again.

Th... thanks. That... that means a lot...

And I... y... yeah. Maybe. Sorry, I didn't mean to kind of... dump on you. I can come over. My hair is sort of singed at the ends. Don't mind that. J... Joker just thought that fire would help in a forest.

[Spoilers: it did not.]

Um... I kind of... need a break anyway... I was working on some sketches...

[He sniffles a little, and stops being so muffled.]

I need to stop... staring at it for a while.

Come on over, then. I'll put the pasta water on and we can play video games after we eat. You any good at FPSes?

Uh... well I was okay at Doom when I could use a joystick and bonk the fire button with my beak, but my reaction time is slower as a human. So... I don't know?

Well, that seems a fair enough handicap, since I only got the one working eye and all. Do you swear when you play?

Not usually. Marco's usually the type to swear when Jake kills him. But I don't mind if you swear.

Well, maybe I'll try to keep it to Sangheili. Spaghetti and meatballs okay?

Sounds good to me.

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