i'm hallucinating again and it's not going away and he's dead and i know he is because i'm teh one who killed him and i know it's not him and i kknow he wouldn't say these things but he's not going away
[There's a faint 'You heard him. Go away, nii-san.', before Micchy's voice sounds more clear.]
Yes. A lot of it's really boring...
[But maybe that's what he needs right now. He clears his throat and recites something as if he's reading it off of a page.]
'The aggregate demand–aggregate supply model has become the standard textbook model for explaining the macroeconomy. This model shows the price level and level of real output given the equilibrium in aggregate demand and aggregate supply. The aggregate demand curve's downward slope means that more output is demanded at lower price levels. The downward slope is the result of three effects: the Pigou or real balance effect, which states that as real prices fall, real wealth increases, so consumers demand more goods; the Keynes or interest rate effect, which states that as prices fall the demand for money declines causing interest rates to decline and borrowing for investment and consumption to increase; and the net export effect, which states that as prices rise, domestic goods become comparatively more expensive to foreign consumers and thus exports decline.'
...Okay, I admit, I have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds good. Now, listen to me. You keep going through that--slowly, don't rush it--but in your head. In the meantime, just breathe, okay? In for five seconds, hold for seven; out for five, hold that for seven.
Again: in for five. Hold. Out for five. Hold. Just like that. In.
[He manages a faint laugh at that. It's okay, York. Economics was kind of a boring class for him. He could explain it but it'd take a while and be boring.]
Okay.
[He tries to breathe, and it seems to be going okay for a few long moments before -]
Well, you shouldn't listen to him, Micchy, you should stay focused on what you know for sure is real. If you can't, though--if you can't not listen--I'll at least stay here. Keep an eye out for you, make sure you stay safe.
[Not that he can do much from all the way in Goldenrod, though. He sighs. Maybe he ought to adjust his strategy.]
Maybe you oughta tell me a story. Keep breathing, but it'll be something to focus on.
Something you remember. Something that happened to you, in detail. Really dig into what things looked and felt like--hell, what they smelled like, if you can remember.
... I... I keep remembering waking up in a chair in my brother's office. It used to be comforting... I would fall asleep on it when I was waiting for him to finish work. I never understood what he was doing, not for a long time, but he'd take one of his jackets and put it over me.
And then when I took it over... it started smelling like leaves and fruit. Sweet, but not something identifiable on Earth. Redyue... she made the forest grow in there. She...
[A different story. A different time. One that's less panic-inducing.]
When I was little I used to try to climb trees. Nii-san and the maids never liked it, because I'd come home covered in dirt and they said it wasn't becoming of someone of my station, but I kept doing it. I think that was the first thing I did that nii-san didn't approve of. And one time.. I climbed too high on one of the trees on our home's grounds. It was spring... I couldn't have been older than seven or so.
I wanted to look at the leaves up close, so I got up onto a low branch and climbed my way up onto one that was probably... five or so meters up? I slipped and ended up hanging upside-down before I just lost my grip entirely. I tried to land all right, but I put too much weight on my foot and it slipped. I started crying and nii-san was the one to find me in the grass. He picked me up and let me cry into his shirt... I probably ruined it, actually. He carried me inside and wouldn't let anyone touch me until I had cried it out and apologized for being 'bad'. Someone drove us to the doctor... probably one of the chauffeurs. I just sprained it, but nii-san was with me the whole time. Father was probably away on a business trip... but he would have stayed with me anyway. He was... nii-san was kind.
[Not like... this thing.]
He was kind, even when others didn't see. He cared. He cared about me, and he cared about other people, even when he was stern. He...
[He sniffs and wipes his face.]
... Even if I think he did some things wrong... he cared.
All right. So, did I ever tell you how Carolina and I met?
[Well, doesn't matter if he did or not. Strap in, Micchy, we're careening down Schmoop Avenue.]
I was out one night with some buddies--guys from Basic, not even part of my team anymore, but I thought we all just wanted to have a good time--and they abandoned me. They left me at this ridiculous nightclub--Errera. That was the name of the club. All glitzy, neon lights and fruity alcohol. You know the kind of place. Not your typical military bar, you know? We figured it'd be fun, try to pick up women who didn't know better before our reassignments.
But anyway. So they left me there, and I was bored out of my mind at the bar, and...All right, get this. The joint had these customized lighters they were handing out for free, you know, like the pens doctors have with the names of drugs written on them except made for the club. So I was sitting there, barely even buzzed yet, flicking this lighter on and off wondering where my friends went off to, when out of nowhere this girl just walks up, just grabs the lighter right out of my hand. And I turn around, and she's--
[He stops for a moment, caught up in the memory, breath held.]
You have to understand, Micchy, she's...I don't know if you two've met, but Carolina's...she's the most beautiful woman alive. You look at her and it's like how pretty fire is before you realize your house is burning, she's all strength and swagger and danger under that smile. Like a lioness, that kind of grace and power. You realize you're blessed if she likes you and it's no less terrifying that she does. And her eyes, they're like nothing else, they're this green I never seen anywhere else, like they're burning, too. Burning with life. [His voice loses a little of that hushed quality, picks up a little more humor.] And she's wearing black boots and this little blue number that's ruffled and sweepy in the back, but shows every inch of those gorgeous goddamn legs...
[He relishes that image for a while. Carolina in youth. Carolina before the war. Not that Carolina now is any less of a goddess; he treasures them both, that strangely innocent confidence and the different strength she built without him.]
Anyway, I'm staring at her, and she swipes the lighter out of my hand, and she says, she says--[Incredulous fondness and not a little laughter bleeds into the edge of his voice.]--"Might wanna be careful with that, it's hot enough in here already with you around."
[His voice follows the cadence of her speech like a well-worn groove, York knows it so well. Fits it so comfortably.]
Didn't matter anything she said after that. I knew right then I woulda followed her anywhere.
[The way he's talking about her... it's how people are supposed to talk about the people they like, isn't it? It's nice, and it's gentle, and it's free of the possessiveness he'd ever had when talking about Mai. He ignores the phantom for the moment, just listening to the words, and...]
I haven't met her, no. I guess... the person I did this for... all of what I did... I wanted her to follow me. The way you talk about the person you love... it's different. I wish I'd been able to have that kind of relationship, instead of...
[There's a quiet sniff, and he clears his throat.]
... Are you... happy with her? You don't... I mean, I guess you don't have to answer that, relationships are complicated...
But you're right. Relationships are complicated. The way we left things the last time we spoke before meeting again here...let's put it this way. She kicked me to the top of an elevator shaft in a spaceship crashing to land and I never saw her again.
[He's quiet for a few moments, shaking his head even though York can't see.]
The last time I saw Mai... the last time I saw her alive, at least... was when I left her with Sengoku and went off to kill Kouta. When I got back... he'd operated on her, taken the Forbidden Fruit out, and she was dead. She appeared to me, but she'd... changed. She wasn't human anymore.
All because I was too stupid to think that he wouldn't hurt her to get what he wanted.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Text]
[Or, well, he is now, anyway.]
[Text]
i'm hallucinating again and it's not going away and he's dead and i know he is because i'm teh one who killed him and i know it's not him and i kknow he wouldn't say these things but he's not going away
[Text]
Hey. Stay with me, dude. Deep breaths and look around you. Are you somewhere safe?
[Text]
yes i'm in my room at the inn
i thought he'd stopped showing up and usually i can ignore him enough but with everything going on lately i can't
i'm sorry okay i thought it was the best way i thought i had to i don't know anymore im sorry
[Text]
Micchy. I'm going to switch to audio. Will that help?
[Text]
sure. i don't know. i'm trying not to yell at him so that i don't wake up other people.
audio's okay i guess.
[Audio]
Micchy. You keep listening to me, okay? Whoever it is, I don't think he's really there with you, so I'm gonna keep with you until he goes away.
You ever memorize anything? Something for school, a speech or something?
[Audio]
Yes. A lot of it's really boring...
[But maybe that's what he needs right now. He clears his throat and recites something as if he's reading it off of a page.]
'The aggregate demand–aggregate supply model has become the standard textbook model for explaining the macroeconomy. This model shows the price level and level of real output given the equilibrium in aggregate demand and aggregate supply. The aggregate demand curve's downward slope means that more output is demanded at lower price levels. The downward slope is the result of three effects: the Pigou or real balance effect, which states that as real prices fall, real wealth increases, so consumers demand more goods; the Keynes or interest rate effect, which states that as prices fall the demand for money declines causing interest rates to decline and borrowing for investment and consumption to increase; and the net export effect, which states that as prices rise, domestic goods become comparatively more expensive to foreign consumers and thus exports decline.'
[Audio]
Again: in for five. Hold. Out for five. Hold. Just like that. In.
[Audio]
Okay.
[He tries to breathe, and it seems to be going okay for a few long moments before -]
I'm not - ... sorry. He's... talking again.
[It's hard to not respond.]
[Audio]
[Not that he can do much from all the way in Goldenrod, though. He sighs. Maybe he ought to adjust his strategy.]
Maybe you oughta tell me a story. Keep breathing, but it'll be something to focus on.
[Audio]
[He shifts in his blankets, pulling them up around him like when he was little.]
What... what kind of story?
[Audio]
[Audio]
And then when I took it over... it started smelling like leaves and fruit. Sweet, but not something identifiable on Earth. Redyue... she made the forest grow in there. She...
[A different story. A different time. One that's less panic-inducing.]
When I was little I used to try to climb trees. Nii-san and the maids never liked it, because I'd come home covered in dirt and they said it wasn't becoming of someone of my station, but I kept doing it. I think that was the first thing I did that nii-san didn't approve of. And one time.. I climbed too high on one of the trees on our home's grounds. It was spring... I couldn't have been older than seven or so.
I wanted to look at the leaves up close, so I got up onto a low branch and climbed my way up onto one that was probably... five or so meters up? I slipped and ended up hanging upside-down before I just lost my grip entirely. I tried to land all right, but I put too much weight on my foot and it slipped. I started crying and nii-san was the one to find me in the grass. He picked me up and let me cry into his shirt... I probably ruined it, actually. He carried me inside and wouldn't let anyone touch me until I had cried it out and apologized for being 'bad'. Someone drove us to the doctor... probably one of the chauffeurs. I just sprained it, but nii-san was with me the whole time. Father was probably away on a business trip... but he would have stayed with me anyway. He was... nii-san was kind.
[Not like... this thing.]
He was kind, even when others didn't see. He cared. He cared about me, and he cared about other people, even when he was stern. He...
[He sniffs and wipes his face.]
... Even if I think he did some things wrong... he cared.
[Audio]
He sounds like a good guy. Your brother.
Check in. How are we doing. He still there? If he is, I can take a turn talking, I don't mind.
[Audio]
[He's quiet for a few long moments.]
I think... better. He shut up when I was talking. I think... maybe you should talk now, though.
[Audio] Jumps off over Freelancer Headcanon Canyon. Headcanyon, if you will.
[Well, doesn't matter if he did or not. Strap in, Micchy, we're careening down Schmoop Avenue.]
I was out one night with some buddies--guys from Basic, not even part of my team anymore, but I thought we all just wanted to have a good time--and they abandoned me. They left me at this ridiculous nightclub--Errera. That was the name of the club. All glitzy, neon lights and fruity alcohol. You know the kind of place. Not your typical military bar, you know? We figured it'd be fun, try to pick up women who didn't know better before our reassignments.
But anyway. So they left me there, and I was bored out of my mind at the bar, and...All right, get this. The joint had these customized lighters they were handing out for free, you know, like the pens doctors have with the names of drugs written on them except made for the club. So I was sitting there, barely even buzzed yet, flicking this lighter on and off wondering where my friends went off to, when out of nowhere this girl just walks up, just grabs the lighter right out of my hand. And I turn around, and she's--
[He stops for a moment, caught up in the memory, breath held.]
You have to understand, Micchy, she's...I don't know if you two've met, but Carolina's...she's the most beautiful woman alive. You look at her and it's like how pretty fire is before you realize your house is burning, she's all strength and swagger and danger under that smile. Like a lioness, that kind of grace and power. You realize you're blessed if she likes you and it's no less terrifying that she does. And her eyes, they're like nothing else, they're this green I never seen anywhere else, like they're burning, too. Burning with life. [His voice loses a little of that hushed quality, picks up a little more humor.] And she's wearing black boots and this little blue number that's ruffled and sweepy in the back, but shows every inch of those gorgeous goddamn legs...
[He relishes that image for a while. Carolina in youth. Carolina before the war. Not that Carolina now is any less of a goddess; he treasures them both, that strangely innocent confidence and the different strength she built without him.]
Anyway, I'm staring at her, and she swipes the lighter out of my hand, and she says, she says--[Incredulous fondness and not a little laughter bleeds into the edge of his voice.]--"Might wanna be careful with that, it's hot enough in here already with you around."
[His voice follows the cadence of her speech like a well-worn groove, York knows it so well. Fits it so comfortably.]
Didn't matter anything she said after that. I knew right then I woulda followed her anywhere.
[Audio]
[The way he's talking about her... it's how people are supposed to talk about the people they like, isn't it? It's nice, and it's gentle, and it's free of the possessiveness he'd ever had when talking about Mai. He ignores the phantom for the moment, just listening to the words, and...]
I haven't met her, no. I guess... the person I did this for... all of what I did... I wanted her to follow me. The way you talk about the person you love... it's different. I wish I'd been able to have that kind of relationship, instead of...
[There's a quiet sniff, and he clears his throat.]
... Are you... happy with her? You don't... I mean, I guess you don't have to answer that, relationships are complicated...
[Audio]
But you're right. Relationships are complicated. The way we left things the last time we spoke before meeting again here...let's put it this way. She kicked me to the top of an elevator shaft in a spaceship crashing to land and I never saw her again.
[Audio]
[He's quiet for a few moments, shaking his head even though York can't see.]
The last time I saw Mai... the last time I saw her alive, at least... was when I left her with Sengoku and went off to kill Kouta. When I got back... he'd operated on her, taken the Forbidden Fruit out, and she was dead. She appeared to me, but she'd... changed. She wasn't human anymore.
All because I was too stupid to think that he wouldn't hurt her to get what he wanted.
[Audio]
...
Turned out she saved herself, in the end. And I'm proud of her, but I still wish...you know. So you're not alone in that boat.
[Audio]
[He's quiet for a few breaths, a soft 'Vul?' from his side of the line.]
I think... maybe I can sleep now. Or try to, at least. ... Thank you, York-san.
[Audio]