i guess. i miss it, though. i could just give up control to my hawk instincts and just live for days or weeks without thinking too much. hawks don't feel sadness or stressed the same way humans do. but you have to deal with it eventually so... i don't know if letting go like that is healthy or something.
sub-visser fifty-one, technically. visser three's top lieutenant. well he was later visser one, but whatever. he was the one in charge of our invasion but she
they had a weapon. an anti-morphing ray to force us to demorph. so we let them capture me and use it on me. since my normal form was a hawk they wouldn't think it had worked, right?
she tortured me. used a machine that brought up my most painful memories and then my most pleasant ones and it felt like it went on forever and i was dying and i saw my father's memories and she broke me and i thought i admitted everything but i don't know if i actually said anything or just thought i did and
[He wants to stop typing, but he can't. He needs to tell someone, someone who might understand. It's not looking for pity but maybe, just maybe someone can understand.]
i still have problems with it. it was a while ago now but some nights i'm still trapped in that little box and all i can do is scream i can't even cry
He says it aloud, to himself, and Delta Two's awake with a gentle hand on his back and a gentle comfort to his mind, but that doesn't erase the knowledge that a child was tortured as part of some "war," if he can call it that. That his team had offered him up as a strategy, as if he really were a soldier. Like any Freelancer would have done. And like Freelancer had done, to the entity that broke itself apart to create Delta.
To create all of them.]
That's
That's really fucked up, Tobias. That that happened to you. That any of that happened to you. Of course you still have problems with it, anyone would. I would.
Letting your hawk instincts take over so you wouldn't have to think about it, that's what any person would do. We all do what we have to, to keep going.
even after that i didn't let rachel go and kill her. she wanted to and i never really told her all of what happened.
and then she showed up again and i thought she'd changed and then she tried to kill us and some of her people that were trying to find a more peaceful solution and i still don't know if she died in that. i think she did but i'm not sure.
i'm not like cassie who's hurt by every single yeerk we killed but i understand that they were doing what they thought was needed and we did the same. i understand kill or be killed but i couldn't even let someone kill the person who tortured me. even if we had killed the yeerk without killing the host she'd still volunteered to be infested. she was the enemy and she's still hurting me even now with everything that she did and i still don't know if she should have died or not. she should have but i can't convince myself.
i don't know. sometimes i hate being human again i miss not having to really think.
[It takes some time for York to gather his thoughts for an answer that could be helpful at all.]
It's hard to justify killing, period. That might sound weird coming from a career soldier, but when you get down to it, right and wrong don't factor into it as much as we'd like. It's like you said: They do what they need to do, and we do the same. That's what it comes down to.
It sounds like this Taylor, or Sub-Visser Fifty-One or whatever, was a pretty irredeemable bitch. And if there is an evil out there, she's the closest I've heard anyone come to it. Maybe killing her then would have saved lives, or spared you and your friends some future pain. Maybe not. But putting ourselves in a position to decide who should and shouldn't die, that's not really how it works. We kill to protect ourselves, or out of revenge, or, hell, because we want to. There's always a reason. Doesn't mean it's just.
But still, I don't think choosing to stop your friend was wrong. Even if you were soldiers. Maybe especially then. Don't know if that helps, and it doesn't give you a real answer, but that's what I got. I don't think you're wrong to wonder about it.
You might have a better talk with Carolina about this. I was never in a position to get back at the son of a bitch who did this to us. She might have more to say about it.
And even when I don't or it sounds like I'm talking out of my ass, don't hesitate to talk with me anyway, okay? Chances are, even if I haven't experienced the things you've gone through, I know someone who has.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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i mean sometimes it was helpful but
[He pauses.]
great now i'm thinking about taylor again
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they had a weapon. an anti-morphing ray to force us to demorph. so we let them capture me and use it on me. since my normal form was a hawk they wouldn't think it had worked, right?
she tortured me. used a machine that brought up my most painful memories and then my most pleasant ones and it felt like it went on forever and i was dying and i saw my father's memories and she broke me and i thought i admitted everything but i don't know if i actually said anything or just thought i did and
[He wants to stop typing, but he can't. He needs to tell someone, someone who might understand. It's not looking for pity but maybe, just maybe someone can understand.]
i still have problems with it. it was a while ago now but some nights i'm still trapped in that little box and all i can do is scream i can't even cry
[Text]
He says it aloud, to himself, and Delta Two's awake with a gentle hand on his back and a gentle comfort to his mind, but that doesn't erase the knowledge that a child was tortured as part of some "war," if he can call it that. That his team had offered him up as a strategy, as if he really were a soldier. Like any Freelancer would have done. And like Freelancer had done, to the entity that broke itself apart to create Delta.
To create all of them.]
That's
That's really fucked up, Tobias. That that happened to you. That any of that happened to you. Of course you still have problems with it, anyone would. I would.
Letting your hawk instincts take over so you wouldn't have to think about it, that's what any person would do. We all do what we have to, to keep going.
[Text] Some spoilers for later in the series
and then she showed up again and i thought she'd changed and then she tried to kill us and some of her people that were trying to find a more peaceful solution and i still don't know if she died in that. i think she did but i'm not sure.
i'm not like cassie who's hurt by every single yeerk we killed but i understand that they were doing what they thought was needed and we did the same. i understand kill or be killed but i couldn't even let someone kill the person who tortured me. even if we had killed the yeerk without killing the host she'd still volunteered to be infested. she was the enemy and she's still hurting me even now with everything that she did and i still don't know if she should have died or not. she should have but i can't convince myself.
i don't know. sometimes i hate being human again i miss not having to really think.
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It's hard to justify killing, period. That might sound weird coming from a career soldier, but when you get down to it, right and wrong don't factor into it as much as we'd like. It's like you said: They do what they need to do, and we do the same. That's what it comes down to.
It sounds like this Taylor, or Sub-Visser Fifty-One or whatever, was a pretty irredeemable bitch. And if there is an evil out there, she's the closest I've heard anyone come to it. Maybe killing her then would have saved lives, or spared you and your friends some future pain. Maybe not. But putting ourselves in a position to decide who should and shouldn't die, that's not really how it works. We kill to protect ourselves, or out of revenge, or, hell, because we want to. There's always a reason. Doesn't mean it's just.
But still, I don't think choosing to stop your friend was wrong. Even if you were soldiers. Maybe especially then. Don't know if that helps, and it doesn't give you a real answer, but that's what I got. I don't think you're wrong to wonder about it.
You might have a better talk with Carolina about this. I was never in a position to get back at the son of a bitch who did this to us. She might have more to say about it.
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... i'm sorry i'm dumping all of this stuff on you but you were the only person i could think of who might have an idea.
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And even when I don't or it sounds like I'm talking out of my ass, don't hesitate to talk with me anyway, okay? Chances are, even if I haven't experienced the things you've gone through, I know someone who has.
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